


The Hardest Part Of This Is Leaving You

by Roostertease_it



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Major Illness, Sad, klance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-19 13:57:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8211023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roostertease_it/pseuds/Roostertease_it
Summary: Forever is a farce. Lance has been in a relationship with Keith since their college days, so why did cancer have to come to take him away?. Inspired by ‘Cancer’ a cover by Twenty one pilots of a My Chemical Romance song.





	1. Fading

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongly recommend listening to [the ‘Cancer’ cover by Twenty one pilots ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw6i1SAHetc) while reading this. Hope you enjoy!.
> 
> [TheBritishCrumpet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBritishCrumpet/pseuds/TheBritishCrumpet) commented that [Saturn by sleeping at last](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3lWwMHFhnA) came on while they were reading this and holy fuck,,, would recommended listening to that too
> 
> EDIT: [me and my friend @anetteloli on tumblr did some valentines fanart for a scene in this fic](http://klanceforthesoul.tumblr.com/post/157252169846/lets-get-married-lance-said-one-purple-dawn)

Lance held Keith's hand. It was so small now.  He felt like if he were to squeeze any tighter he would break it. His skin clung to his bones like a sheet on a science skeleton. It was grey, almost like a rain-cloud. His eyes were dark and sunken in. His cheekbones looked like they could cut through at any moment. His bald head was always covered by a red beanie with a blue stripe at the bottom. Lance had bought him that hat two years ago.

* * *

 It was Keith’s twenty-third and he had insisted he didn’t want anything but that didn’t sit well with Lance, he had to do something for Keith. So he took Keith to a carnival. It had been a complete surprise to Keith and he loved every second of it. At the end of the night they had fireworks and Lance drew him to the side while the dark night sky was full of colour and he kissed him. He held his waist and supported his neck, Keith's hand was in his hair. He felt the fireworks in his heart as they kissed.

“Pick a present.” Lance ordered at the end of the night, he had his hand around Keith’s waste.

“But you paid for everything today!” Keith said laughing and trying to drag Lance away from the stall. “And I don’t need anything-”

“That’s beside the point Keith. Pick a present and we can go home and _then_ we can take off our clothes and-”

Keith clamped a hand over Lance’s mouth. “There are children Lance” He laughed. “Okay, Okay I’ll pick something just wait here.” He disappeared into the throng. Lance thought about how much he loved Keith. How happy he made him. He reappeared. “Alright. I've chosen, come here.”

He pulled Lance along and pointed to a beanie. “You sure?. You can pick something more expensive, if you want.”

 “Nope. It has our favourite colours.” Keith said, picking it up. “Blue for you and red for me.”

 “You’re too cute.” Lance said, his insides jumping with joy. 

He wore that dumb hat all the time.

* * *

Even if he closed his eye’s Lance could tell how sick Keith was. His slow, ragged breaths were always audible and every one grated at Lance’s ears. He felt himself wince at each clawing breath.

“So,” he began, once again swallowing his urge to cry, “How are you feeling today?.”

“Better.” Keith said, smiling. It was barely even a smile, the edges of his mouth turned up in a small way but Lance could tell by the soft look in his eyes that he was smiling. “A lot… better.”

Lance knew he was lying. He hadn’t been getting better for a few months now. His first bout of chemo had worked and it looked like he would live a full life, but a year after his first all clear he was diagnosed with inoperable stage three lung cancer. It had come back, only this time it was worse.

Lance had never had worse news in his life. It had crushed him, he cried, he wept… but Keith had smiled. “Stage three,” He had said. “That means there’s still hope.” but in Lance’s mind there was no hope, though he kept himself positive for Keith’s sake. For once, lance wouldn’t have minded being wrong. But he had been right. Aggressive chemo, five sessions every three weeks. It had been more than an uphill battle, but together and with the help of Lance’s family, they had gotten through it. Only to find on the other end that it hadn’t worked.

Lance could never forget Keith’s eyes that day. He something inside him break, but only for a moment before he turned to Lance and smiled, “There’s still a chance… after I recover a bit from this I can do some more chemo-”

But Lance couldn’t watch him like that anymore. Hopelessly hopeful.  He got up and stormed out, raging at the world, the chemo, the cancer, anything and everything. He punched a hole through the bathroom wall before he cried it out, blood dripping from his fingers. Then he got up, wiped his eyes and went back to Keith. Because he needed him then more than ever.

The thing was, Keith never got better. Only worse. Lance thought that the day they found out that Keith’s chemo hadn't worked was also the day that he began to fade. He had already lost all his weight and colour from the chemo. Now he began to lose his brightness. His spark. The fire that made him Keith.

So they were there now in the hospital, Keith hooked up to a drip and an oxygen tank. They were waiting for a doctor's visit. That meant he either had very good news or...

“Lance.” Keith’s voice was gravelly and harsh. He could only speak in short sentences. “Remember our wedding?... I’m glad we got married.”

Lance did squeeze Keith’s hand then, it didn’t break. Keith squeezed back with hardly any power. “Yeah you idiot.” Lance replied fondly. “Of course I do.”

* * *

“Let’s get married.” Lance said one purple dawn, they had sat up to watch the sunrise from their bed in their lofty apartment. Keith lay naked next to him, only their cotton sheets covering him. He had looked over at Lance with wide eyes and the brightest smile he’d ever seen.

“Really!?.” He asked.

“Yes.” Lance giggled.

Keith pounced on Lance and hugged him tightly then kissed him forcefully on the mouth. Then a few more times on his jaw. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

They were married the next year. It was a huge celebration, courtesy of his mother who had said, “Finally why did you not ask him sooner!?.” and proceeded to plan the whole thing herself, but neither of them minded.

Their wedding had been by no means a small affair, it was big and bold and more colourful than anything they’d ever seen. It was full of smiles and laughter and just all-around joy. He remembered the cheers from his family as he’d said his vows. “Keith, tu eres mi sol, tu eres mi luna, tu eres mi luz, te amo.”

But out of everything that happened on that day he’d never forget the wonderful smile Keith gave him as he walked up the aisle. Their eye’s had connected and it felt like they were the only two in the room.

“Lance.” Keith had said shyly after the pair had consummated their marriage a few times and lay atop overly opulent purple satin sheets. “I’m glad that you can be my family… I never had a proper family before.”

“Keith, you idiot, you’ve been in my family for years.” Lance said, kissing Keith once. “And don’t you ever forget it.”

“I won’t.” He said, kissing him back.

* * *

He looked away when Keith started coughing. It was a violent coughing fit. They happened frequently and there was nothing Lance could do to help, so he held onto Keith’s hand until the coughing died down. When Keith stopped coughing he said “Will you… read…”

“Of course.” He lifted the tattered old book that lay next to Keith’s bed and held it in one hand. It was ‘Watership down’ By Richard Adams. It was the reason they first met.

He opened the book, turning to the first browned page and began to read.

* * *

Lance reached for the book but just as his hand touched the edge another hand brushed his “Hey-” He said as he turned to face the person. He felt himself blush as he looked on. He was nearly the same height as him and had jet black hair and the most captivating blue eyes Lance had ever seen. “ _Hey.”_ He said, wiggling his eyebrows at the stranger.

The stranger furrowed his brow at Lance. “Uh, do you need this book or can I take it?.” He asked.

Lance lifted the book from the shelf. “I’ll give it to you if you tell me your name.”

“My name’s Keith.” He said, holding his hand out for the book. Lance handed it over and he turned to leave. Lance hurried after.

“I’m lance.” He told him. “Why are you checking out ‘Watership down’?, do you have an assignment?”

“No.” He replied as he checked the book out. “It’s my favourite. I lost my copy on campus”

“Oh that’s awful.” Lance said.

“Yeah…” he said. “I have to go.”

“Bye.”

He watched him leave and was sure he had a crush. Lance spent the entire weekend searching for Keith’s lost copy of ‘watership down’. He hadn’t any idea of where even to start but he was determined to find it. He nearly shouted when he saw the corner of it poking out from the top of a shelf in the study hall. He found Keith’s dorm room two hours later by asking around and knocked on the door, his heart a bundle of nerves. 

“Yes?.” Keith said.

“Is this yours?” Lance said, holding up the book.

He watched as Keith’s face went from surprise to pure joy. He hugged Lance and grabbed the book. “Where did you find it!?”

“Study hall.” Lance said.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” His eyes were welling up. “My grandfather gave me that book, I thought i’d lost it.”

Lance knew then that he was in love. It was only a few months later when Keith discovered he was in love too.

* * *

“Mr McClain?” Both Lance and Keith looked up. A nurse stood at the door. “The doctor is ready for you, can he come in?. 

“Yes. Please.” Lance said, exchanging a look with Keith.

The doctor came in and shook their hands one by one. He sat in the chair and looked at them. Lance knew what he was going to tell them before he even opened his mouth. “I’m sorry I have to say this, but he could go at any moment now.” 

Lance bit his lip, hard. The metallic taste of blood covered his tongue. Despite his efforts tears welled up in his eyes and ran down his cheeks. “There’s nothing we can do?.” He asked, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. He knew the answer to that too. 

“I’m sorry.” the doctor said, “You fought hard Keith, we all admire you so much. You’ve been a great patient. You have to make the decision. Do you want to spend your time at home or here?.”

“Home...” Lance whipped his head to face Keith. “With Lance.”

“But, mi amor, you’ll be so much more comfortable here where they can take care of you properly.” Lance said, now using both hands to hold Keith’s. 

Keith looked at him with that same almost-smile and said; “At home… With you.” He nodded. Case closed.

“If you can’t make arrangements you can contact-” Lance wasn’t listening anymore. His eyes were locked with Keith’s. It was as if, again, they were the only two people there. This was it. This was really it. It had never been so certain before. Here it was. The beginning of the end. Keith’s last days.


	2. Final days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Open this link when you see this (*), if you want...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-o-bghrHvg)

Keith’s eyes blinked slowly open. He felt a warm presence beside him. He felt his lips curl into a smile. Lance. He turned his head and tried to move closer. It was getting harder and harder to move. He didn’t want to set off a coughing fit so he gave up. He could still smell him anyway. The warm, musty, slightly sweaty smell of Lance. He could bathe in that smell. 

“Ah cariño, You’re awake. Come here.” He felt Lance shuffle closer and bring his face towards Keith’s. “Good morning.” Lance slid his arm over Keith’s stomach and he gave Keith a few butterfly kisses on his cheek. “How are you feeling?.”

He thought about the answer. Truthfully, he was more tired than he had ever been in his entire life. He thought about saying he felt okay but at this point Lance knew that was a lie. “Not too bad…” He took a breath “Just tired.”

“Keith, can I kiss you?.” Lance asked, his voice low.

Keith shook his head. He hadn’t let Lance kiss him for nearly a month. His lips were always dry and broken, no matter how many time a day Lance applied vaseline for him. He wanted Lance to remember their kisses the way they were before. Soft, warm and homely. Not weak and rough.

He didn’t like Lance to look at him too much anymore. He was all skin and bones and his hair hadn’t had a chance to grow back either. Keith had never taken much notice of his appearance before but he wanted to look good for Lance, not that Lance much cared what he looked like.

“Please can I kiss you?.” Lance said, this time right into his ear. “It’ll be good, I promise.”

Keith’s hand clenched. “No. I’m tired. You can… cuddle me.”

“Goodie.” Lance said, shuffling closer. He slid his arm underneath Keith’s head and hugged him close. “Love you.”

Keith nuzzled into Lance’s chest,  breathing in his smell. “Love you tooo.” He loved that spot. There was many a time all throughout their relationship that Keith had fallen asleep in Lance’s arms. It was one of his favourite places to be. Keith felt himself yawn. He hadn’t thought he was actually tired, but these days when wasn’t he?.

Lance stroked Keith’s arm, drawing swirls with his finger. It was soothing. “Do you want me to sing you a song to get you back to sleep?.”

“Yeah.” Keith croaked. “The lullaby.”

“*A la nanita nana?” He asked. 

“Yes. Please.”  Keith Loved to hear Lance sing this song. It had been the song Lance’s mother used to sing to him and Keith knew it made him feel the same comfort that he felt while Lance sang it. It was his voice fo Keith that gave him the feeling, It was deep and soothing, like chocolate mixed with hot cocoa on the coldest day of winter.

  


“ _ A la nanita nana, nanita ea, nanita ea, _

_ mi Jesús tiene sueño, bendito sea, _

_ bendito sea.” _

  


Keith had his ear pressed against Lance and heard the soft deep words through his connection to Lance. His head followed the rise and fall on Lance’s chest. 

  


_ Fuentecilla que corres clara y sonora, _

_ ruiseñor en la selva cantando lloras, _

_ callad mientras la cuna se balancea, _

_ a la nanita nana, nanita ea. _

  


_ A la nanita nana, nanita ea, nanita ea, _

_ mi Jesús tiene sueño, bendito sea, _

_ bendito sea. _

  


_ Manojito de rosas y de alelíes, _

_ ¿qué es lo que estás soñando que te sonríes?, _

_ Cuáles son tus sueños, dilo alma mía, mas _

_ ¿qué es lo que murmuras? Eucaristía. _

  


_ A la nanita nana, nanita ea, nanita ea, _

_ mi Jesús tiene sueño, bendito sea, _

_ bendito sea. _

  


_ Pajaritos y fuentes, auras y brisas _

_ respetad ese sueño y esas sonrisas _

_ callad mientras la cuna se balancea _

_ que el Niño está soñando, bendito sea. _

  


_ A la nanita nana, nanita ea, nanita ea, _

_ mi Jesús tiene sueño, bendito sea, _

_ bendito sea. _ ”

  


Lance drew out the last vowel and Keith felt himself nodding off, he was surprised he hadn’t already. “That’s it my dear, rest a while.” He drifted off to sleep while Lance held onto his hand.

When he woke again Lance was gone. By the orangey glow of the light that shone through the window Keith could tell it was sunset. He’d slept all day. He was beginning to sleep longer and longer each time he fell asleep and he knew well what that meant. He licked his lips. They were dry.

“Oh you’re up again!” He heard Lance say from the doorway. “Want anything?.”

“Some water.” He said. His throat was like a wasteland. “Please.”  


“Coming right up.” He heard Lance moving about the Kitchen and it was a nice feeling, just to have him there. He came back with a cup of water complete with straw. He placed it on the night stand and knelled down next to Keith. “I’ll help.” He supported Keith’s neck with his left hand and held the cup with his right. Keith gulped down the water, it was cool and felt soothing against his throat. He wet his lips with the excess. “Nice?” Lance asked.  


“Mm, good.”

“Had enough?.”

“Yes.”

He lay Keith’s head down and put the glass back. He hopped into bed with Keith. “Wanna watch Netflix and chill” He laughed. He chuckled at the look Keith gave him. “I’m kidding. kidding. Wanna watch some conspiracy theory documentaries?.”

“No.” In the past in would’ve been a yes without a doubt but these days he just didn’t have enough brainpower to follow anything going on. “E.T” Keith offered. It had been a favourite when he was a child and he could almost recite the movie word for word.

“Okay sure, we have the D.V.D don’t we?, I’ll set it up.” Lance went about setting it up and then Keith grinned.

“Lance.” He said, almost laughing. “Listen.”  


“What?.” Lance jumped to attention, thinking something was wrong. “Are you okay?.”

Keith opened his mouth and with the lowest voice he could said; “E.T.... Phone home.”

Lance’s face froze for a moment and then twisted into the biggest smile Keith had ever seen him make and then he started to laugh, loudly and erratically. Keith hadn’t seen him laughed that way in a long, long time. “That. was. Perfect.” He wheezed. He walked over to Keith, clutching his side. He knelt down next to him. “I love you.” He laughter petered off then and his face crumpled up. “I love you Keith.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “ _ I love you. _ ”

Keith’s eyes began to well up. “People ask me… all the time…. What’s the hardest part of this?.” he cupped Lance’s cheek. “I tell them chemo… I tell them loosing my hair… or the weakness.” Lance his gripped hand. “But those are lies…” He licked his lips again.  “ask me.”

“W-what’s the hardest part of this?.” Lance asked, tears flowing freely now.

“The hardest part of this is leaving you.” Keith got out. This was important. He wanted it to be a full sentence. 

Lance’s eyes widened horribly. “ _ Keith. _ ” He felt a tear escape the well in his eyes and Lance sputtered, throwing his arms around Keith’s shoulders. Lance’s whole body shook as he sobbed. Keith lifted his arm and slid it around Lance. He rubbed his back with his thumb and held him. He wanted to hold him while he still could.

  
  



	3. Goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I nearly started to cry while editing this chapter ngl. Good luck everyone!.

Lance sat awake. His eyes were burning. It was three am. He had his legs tucked up to his chest and he had his arms wrapped around them. He rested his chin on his knee. The room was filled with the blue glow of the moon. He thought about what Keith had said to him a day ago. “ _The hardest part of this is leaving you._ ”. It haunted him. He loved Keith more than anything in the world and he knew that Keith loved him. But he hadn’t really realised how much. It was more than he could imagine and that’s why it hurt so much.

He couldn’t  remember what is was like _not_ to have Keith with him. They’d been together since their first year of college. They’d fallen in love hard and fast and the passion of those first few months was something he held dearly in his heart. The passion had never left either, only morphed into something he held even more dear. Keith had changed from being an exciting thing to a comforting presence, a warm familiarity that came whenever he was close to him. Keith was his home.

Keith was fast asleep beside him. His breathing was getting even worse. Lance knew it was only a matter of time now. At most, Lance thought, he had about two days. They were meant to have an eternity, it was supposed to be forever. But forever is a farce; a lie to make people believe that things they have won’t disappear, but they do. They do.

Lance let his hand slide over to Keith's and he held it. His hand was cold. It made him realise how warm he used to be. Keith’s hands used to his heater in the winter. He looked up to Keith’s resting face. The tubes going into Keith’s nose were crooked. Lance corrected them. He hated the tubes, but they helped Keith.

Lance’s family had said their goodbyes to Keith yesterday.  Everyone knew it’d be soon. They all begged Lance to let them stay but he wouldn’t allow it. Keith, though he loved all of them dearly, didn’t want them to see him go. Lance was sure, if he had the choice, he’d send him away too. There was no chance of that.

Lance sat awake until dawn came. Thoughts were whirling around his brain like he was on a roller-coaster that only showed him sadness. Birds were chirping and the leaves rustled through the trees. It was a calm morning. Eerily calm.

“Lance?.” His voice was faint, barely audible.

“Oh, Keith, you’re awake!, good morning.” Lance said, his face a big smile. Keith’s face looked greyer than ever and even his veins seemed to be paler too.  Lance had a terrible feeling about the look on Keith’s face. He looked peaceful.

“I think-”

“I was up all night and the stars were beautiful Keith, they were so bright Keith and the moon I would’ve woken you but-.”

“ _Lance_ -” Keith pleaded.

“-I didn’t want to wake you because you need your rest and it's super important that you-”

“ _Lance!_ ” Keith said as forcefully as he could. “I think you should… call the nurse early.”

Lance’s eyebrows knitted together. They both knew what that meant. “Are you-” He didn’t finish the question. Keith was sure. He called the nurse he held Keith’s hand tightly while they waited.

“Did I ever tell you about that time I went to New York with my brother?.” Lance said as he slipped his fingers to interlock with Keith’s. They weren’t soft like they used to be, they were bony and Lance didn’t want to think it but they weren’t warm either.

“No…” Keith said.

“Didn’t think so.” Lance said with a small laugh. “We went the summer before college because He said that I needed one good adventure in me before I was too busy to do anything worthwhile. We got there and Keith, the size of the buildings there knocked me back, it’s amazing…. Anyway we got lost the first day and spent a lot of our money trying to get un-lost and the moral of the story is it doesn’t hurt your pride to ask for directions. We got there on a Sunday and had to go back home on the Tuesday, we had been planning to stay for a week."

He saw Keith’s small mouth turn into a smile. “Sounds like you.”

Lance laughed. “I was embarrassed to tell you that story.”

“I know… already… you’re an idiot.” Keith said. “My idiot…”

Lance looked away from him, fearing he would start to cry right then. He lifted Keith’s hand and kissed it. The doorbell rang. “One moment cariño.” He kissed Keith’s forehead and answered the door. It was the nurse. “Keith’s waiting.” She nodded, there was a solemn look on her face. She’d been their nurse since his home-stay began. Lance waited outside the room while she checked him up.

“God.” He whispered to himself. “I know we haven’t talked in years but if you can do something about this then please do… make me sick instead of him… take me instead of him… just don’t take him. _Please_ . I’m not strong enough for this world without him. So… _Please._ ” Lance squeezed his hands together until his knuckles were white. He’d never felt so nervously sick in his entire life.

The door opened and he faced her. She placed her arm on his shoulder. “Today. Soon, very soon. Say goodbye. I’ll wait in the kitchen.” she left him there. Everything stopped. _Today. Goodbye. Soon._ His brain took a second to process what she’d said. Then he sprang into action. He ran to Keith’s side, he took Keith’s hand in his.

“Oh Keith this is too soon, you can’t go yet, you can’t go… I-I can't face this world without you Keith, I love you, I love you more than anything.” Lance hadn’t wanted to say any of this but it was all gushing out.

“One more time… Kiss me…” Lance pressed a rushed kiss against his chapped lips. That had been their first mouth kiss in a few weeks. It was also their last. Ever. He sat up again.

“Keith I-”

“Lance…” Keith wore a weary smile his eyes were very soft, almost glazed over. The brilliant navy blue that he once knew was turning grey.  “I love you… more than anyone…. tu eres mi sol… tu eres mi luna… tu eres mi luz... te amo.”

Lance gripped his hand tightly, “ _No,_ _don’t_.” His tears dropped onto his hands. He knew he was being irrational, but this whole thing was irrational. It was supposed to be forever. “Can’t you hold on for another hour?, ten minutes?, _five_?.”

“Lance… sorry... I’m so tired… ” Keith said. His eyes were starting to droop and his horrible breaths were getting more drawn out and slowing down.

“Please, Keith please.” He was begging as snot dripped out of his nose, he sniffed. “I love you, know that I love you. More than anyone ever in my life I love you” He rambled, trying to get Keith to hang onto his words.

“I know… I love you too…” He smiled a bit before his eyes blinked to a final close.

“No. No. NO!” He wailed, spit flying from his mouth. “This can’t be _it…”_

But it was.

He struggled to listen as Keith breathed his last horrible choking breaths before he slowly stopped and there was a horrific quietness that Lance hadn’t heard for months. He hadn’t realised just how used to Keith’s breathing he was and now it was gone. There was a pause before Keith’s shoulders slacked and his hand went limp. Keith’s hand drifted away from his grip and hung from the bed.

Lance sat and stared through his blurred vision at his shaking hand. He stared up at Keith. Eyes closed and chest still. This couldn’t be real.  This wasn’t supposed to happen. He felt warm tears on his palm. But it was real, oh it was real.  Lance let his arm flop to the side. A child-like whine erupted from his lungs as he collapsed onto the the floor crying. Keith’s limp hand was just in his line of sight.

Oh was it real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read this!. Fun fact; I wrote this story in it's entirety from 3am to 5am just after that cover had been released. I just HAD to write it. My head actually hurt I cried so much haha. I also hadn't slept in like 20 hours soo... that might have contributed.
> 
> I actually once wrote a similar fic to this for a different fandom like this one that I never uploaded and It also featured a character that had cancer, which is strange because I wrote that one before I was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and I wrote this one after beating it, so I've written two fics about cancer but never while having it!.
> 
> Check out my fic ['In The Shape Of A Boy'](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7861585/chapters/17952196) I just uploaded chapter 8, 'Nightmare and Daydreams' which is the longest chapter to date at 4,500+ words.


End file.
